Are You a Good Hockey Parent?

from usahockey.com

We realize that watching little loved ones scurry around the rink can occasionally be frustrating. But there should be limits on the manifestations of that frustration. If you take a look at the following questions and notice a bit of yourself in there, or if you answer yes to all of them, we ask that you kindly remove your name from running for hockey parent of the year.

• Are you more fond of your child's first skate than his or her first steps?
• Was the child's first stuffed animal neither stuffed nor an animal, but a puck?
• When your kids clean their plates, do you make Zamboni references?
• Do you have a spreadsheet on your fridge with your child's statistics?
• Do you cheer during warmups?
• Do you keep your son or daughter's stats during warmups?
• Do you keep your son or daughter's stats during practice?
• Unless your child needs a ride, do you go to practice?
• Have you ever found yourself at center ice, without skates on, in street clothes, during a game, as the only non-official adult on the ice, uninvited, cursing at an official?
• Have you ever dreamt of the above scenario?
• Is your mugshot on a bulletin board at your local rink above the words, "barred from entry"?
• Did you bribe the rink manager to take it down?
• Have you ever refused to remove your foot from a coach's neck until he threatens legal action?
• Have you ever threatened someone else at a game with legal action?
• Have you ever threatened someone else at a game with your kid's Synergy?
• Do you think of sneaking through the ventilation system and into your son or daughter's opponent's locker room, where you can take sandpaper to a few strategically chosen skates?
• Have you tried to return your son or daughter's stick to the pro shop because it had "no goals in it"?
• Have you tried to return your son or daughter's skates to the pro shop because "everyone seems faster"?
• Did you contact NCAA scouts before your kid's 10th birthday?
• Do you demand of your kid that a goal and an assist be scored before you'll let him or her eat?
• Do you demand of your kid that a goal and an assist be scored before you'll let anyone in the family eat?
• Do you call your son or daughter by a different name -- like, say, Stone Hands -- depending on how well he or she plays?
• Do you not call your son or daughter at all depending on how well he or she plays?
• Do you believe your kid shouldn't pass the puck ... ever?
• Did you christen your child in a makeshift Stanley Cup?
• On the day your child was born, did you work out the math on his draft-eligible year?
• Do the candles on his cake correspond to the birth date or the years remaining "as an amateur"?
• Was your child's first word was the name of your favorite hockey team?
• Do you wish your child's first word was the name of your favorite hockey team?
• Have you yelled at your kid for not picking up on your telepathic message to shoot low to the stick side?
• Have you ever made your kid run home, with his gear on his or her back, beside the car, for missing an open net?
• Have you ever led a "S-I-E-V-E!" chant against a 10-year-old?
• Do you include in your local youth hockey newsletter a section called "coaches on the hot seat"?
• Do you refer to school days as "off days"?
• Do you refer to game days as "what it's all about"?
• Do you speak often in sports cliches?
• Do you forget the last compliment you've given to your kid's teammates?
• Do you forget the last compliment you've given to your own kid?